I just don't know where to begin, and I'm not in the state of mind to pour all of my thoughts out, but the past few months and been bad and good, and within the past week everything has gotten worse....basically my father has throat cancer, my blood grandmother *who raised me* has some bad masses in her brain, and basically tells me she thinks she is going to die soon, and my other grandmother *who also raised me* feel this week at work, and broke her arm very badly, they have to do surgery to fix it, and while at the hospitol they gave her to much pain meds and she basically stopped breathing for a while, when she came back she couldn't hear at all, and they didn't really know what had happened ,but thankfully she is getting her hearing back and seems to be doing fine, but in all honestly I'm terrified of her going in for surgery. My grandfather has been a mess because of this. just...This is hard to handle, and I find myself avoiding the bad stuff, just like a use to but I can't hide from it anymore, it doesn't just go away when I want it to. I'm just so scared I'm not ready to lose them. Im not ready to be by myself.
I'm just glad a lot of this is happening after school is out, because I just don't think I'd be able to make it.

Right now I just want to cry. It won't solve or help anything, but I just need some kind of emotional release, I just bottle all this up, life just seems to be getting harder, everyone I know is getting closer to death... And for those of you who do read this, please don't tell me your sorry for everything and that it will all be better or what happens happens, I know, and hearing it make me feel worse, even hugs just make it more of a reality that I don't want it to be....I really don't think I can handle work right now...damnit I don't want to handle anything